


National Treasure 3: A Recipe for Disaster

by Diego_Brando



Category: National Treasure (2004), National Treasure Series, National Treasure: Book of Secrets (2007), Taken (2008)
Genre: Unofficial Sequel, completed fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-14
Updated: 2015-01-16
Packaged: 2018-03-07 12:08:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 5,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3173350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diego_Brando/pseuds/Diego_Brando
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nicholas Cage's failing ice cream shop prompts him to strike a deal with Liam Neeson: Steal the president's recipe for ice cream. But his theft uncovers a plot involving much more than he could have imagined.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Liam Neeson knocked on the door of Nicolas Cage’s ice cream shop.

“Cage. I need a favor. My daughter has been taken. Again.”

“Again?” Nic asked. “Like… seriously? Again?”

“Yes. I’d rather not talk about it.” Liam said, rubbing the back of his neck and looking away.

“No, but really… how?”

“Well, I went to the grocery store, and I turned my back to look at the kumquats, and when I turned back, they had taken her. These men in green coats.” Neeson said, his tone grim.

“Green… coats..?” Nic asked.

“Yes. I think it was the illuminati. Mostly because of the triangles on their coats.”

“Seriously?” Cage asked, incredulously.

“They also shouted “YOU’LL NEVER STOP THE ILLUMINATI’S PYRAMID EYE, LIAM SACAJAWEA NEESON!! HA HA HA HA HA!!” Liam said, posing like he was holding a girl by the arm.

“Your middle name is Sacajawea?”

“No, but the point is I need your help, Cage. I need you to help me find the Illuminati’s secret base.” Liam said, placing his hands on Nic’s shoulders.

After a pause, Nic said “Alright. But you need to help me first.”

“...What do you need..?” Liam asked, apprehensively.

“Well, this ice cream shop I opened after everyone forgot about that time I stole the Declaration of Independence hasn’t been doing the best, and that’s probably because I don’t actually know how to make ice cream. So I need your help to steal a recipe for Vanilla Ice Cream.” Nic said, talking with his hands.

“You want me to hold of the search for my only daughter… and help you steal… a recipe for vanilla ice cream.”

“Not just… any, vanilla ice cream. In seventeen sixty something or other, Thomas Jefferson went onto a trip to France. He, brought back vanilla ice cream, and..?”

“You want to steal… Thomas Jefferson’s recipe… for vanilla ice cream.” Liam said, so utterly done it cause all the oven timers in the city to go off from how done he was.

“Yes. Tonight if we can, my rent’s due tomorrow.”

Liam breathed really slowly out through his nose. “Ok. Let’s go.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens.

Liam Neeson gripped the steering wheel of Nicholas Cage’s car tightly as he drove to the White House to steal Thomas Jefferson’s recipe for vanilla ice cream so Nic would help him save his daughter from being taken by the illuminati. Having recapped the story, he turned onto the abandoned side road that was unguarded and lead right to the secret tunnel which led into the Library of Congress. 

Arriving at the destination, Liam stopped the car and he and Nic got out. “This is the place.” he said and pointed out the hole in the mountainside to Nic. “We just need to get into there and avoid noise.”

“Sure thing.” Nic said, walking up to the hole and crawling in. He turned back to look at Liam. “You coming?” 

“I just need to get one thing first.” he said, getting his bag out of the car. He pulled a knife and a gun out, holding them in a position ready for action.

“Liam. We’re here to steal the president’s recipe... for ice cream. We aren’t going to need to stab, and/or shoot anyone.” Nic said. “And if you bring those in, it’s going to make it very hard to explain that I need a recipe for ice cream.” 

“But… I like my guns.”

“The only guns we need are these.” Nicholas Cage said, flexing his arms.

There was a moment of silence.

“Let’s just get the dang ice cream recipe.” Cage said, turning into the small passage. Neeson followed him.

After a few minutes of walking up a slope, Cage saw light ahead. Dropping onto his stomach and crawling forward. Looking down, he saw the library through a grate in the bottom of the vent. “We can get down... through here…” Cage said, yanking the grate up. He slide his body through the hole, and dropped onto the floor of the Library of Congress. Liam Neeson dropped down next to him, holding a butter knife.

“Why the butter knife, Liam?” Cage asked.

“You didn’t let me have my regular one.”

Cage turned and began looking for the ice cream recipe. After a few minutes of searching with Liam watching his back, Nic found the ice cream recipe section. He began paging through the note cards, searching for the ancient post-it note that was sure to carry the secret of Jefferson’s ice cream.

“Find it quick, Cage.” Neeson said, looking over his shoulder. “We might need to run.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Nic said, fumbling with the note cards. “Here it is!” Cage pulled Jefferson’s recipe for ice cream, or a replica of it out, and stuffed it in his jacket pocket.

Suddenly, alarms started blaring. Red lights were flashing everywhere as really, really slow metal grates started closing over the doors. Neeson tossed his butter knife at the back door, jamming the grate shut. Suddenly, from the other side of the library, the doors burst open and the two thieves could hear the sound of boots tramping down on the floor and men shouting.

“Cage! Run!” Liam Neeson said. “I’ll hold them off!”

“You can escape with me, you idiot.” Nicholas Cage said, grabbing Liam Neeson’s arm and dragging him to the exit. The two broke into a full run, and when they reached the door Liam Neeson did a spinning kick, busting it open. 

The two leapt out through the door, landing hard on the hill leading back down to the deserted back road where the car was parted. Cage slipped and started rolling down the hill, whereas Neeson was able to stumble down with slightly more dignity.

Getting into the car, Liam bolted into the front seat as Cage hurled himself over Neeson’s lap and into the passenger’s seat. Yanking the recipe out of his pocket, he began memorizing it as Neeson turned the car on and reversed as fast as he could out of the back road, eventually Tokyo Drifting onto the highway as Nic gasped.

“What is it?” Neeson asked, trying to focus on driving. 

“While I, was reading this… I noticed something. If you read… every first word, you get a secret message.” Cage explained.

“Well, what is it?! I can’t read it myself.” Neeson yelled.

“It reads: LIAM NEESON’S DAUGHTER HAS BEEN TAKEN BY THE ILLUMINATI AND SHE’S BEING HELD AT.” Cage read.

There was a pause.

“Well? Go on!! I don’t have all day!” Liam yelled again.

“That’s all it says. The rest of the note is on another recipe.” Cage explained.

“Well… what recipe?”

“I held the card up to the light, and there’s a watermark on it. It says, “Jefferson Macaroni and Cheese.”” Cage continued.

“What does that mean?”

“Thomas Jefferson invented Macaroni and cheese.” Nic said. (Author’s note: This is probably true) “So the rest is on that card.”

“Well, why didn’t we get that card too!”

“I noticed it. It wasn’t there.”

“What? Cage, if it’s not there…” Liam’s voice weakened. “My daughter….”

“I saw where it is, at least.”

Neeson grabbed Cage’s shirt. “Cage.” he said sternly. “Where. Is. It.” 

“The card where it would be read ‘In use’, Liam.” 

“It’s being used? For what… to make macaroni and cheese?” 

“Exactly.”

“Well… who’s using it then? Who has it.”

“I think you can guess.”

Liam though. “Obama. He has it.”

“Dead on. We need to rob the White House and Barack Obama for Thomas Jefferson’s macaroni and cheese recipe.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thickening plots abound

Liam Neeson stopped Nicolas Cage’s car in front of the White House so the two of them could steal Barack Obama’s recipe for Macaroni and Cheese, a dish invented by former president and member of the Illuminati, Thomas Jefferson. Having recapped the story, Liam pulled up to a hedge that was so thick, none of the guards could see through it.

“Nic, we can sneak in through here.” Liam said, getting out of the vehicle. “The hedge is too dark and we can get in there.”

“Sure.” Nic said, diving into the hedge.

(The part where they actually sneak in to the White House is almost identical to the part in the last chapter where they sneak into the Library of Congress and that part was a stupidly large chunk of text. So we’re going to skip ahead.)

“You’re telling me that I have to dangle down into Obama’s kitchen by this rope, take the recipe out of his HAND, and then have you pull me back up?!” Liam Neeson angrily hissed at Nicholas Cage.

“Uhh… yeah?” 

“Fine. Pop this grate and dangle me.”

Nic yanked the grate up and tied one end of the rope around Liam Neeson’s ankle. Liam slid out through the grate, the rope tightening around his ankle. Seeing Obama below him, he reached his hand out to grab the recipe from his hand.

There was a good six feet in between Obama and Liam.

“Nic!” Liam hissed back up. “More rope!”

“That’s all there is!” Nic hissed. 

“Well, I can’t reach it!”

“Hold on… I’ve got an idea.” Liam started swinging a bit, then felt a weight above him. Nicholas Cage was sliding down the rope after Liam Neeson. “Dangle me!”

“God da… Cage, I’ll yet at you later.” Neeson said, pulling up and taking Cage’s ankle in his hands. Cage let go of the rope, and swung down. Neeson almost dropped him into Obama’s pot of boiling macaroni. Obama started stirring the macaroni, not noticing the two men above him. Cage held his arms up, not wanting to dangle them in Obama’s face. 

“Just a second…” Nic hissed, waiting. Obama peered into the pot, giving Cage an opening. Cage stretched for the notecard, snatching it from Obama’s hands!

“Wait, how are we going to get back up?” Liam hissed. “In the old plan, you were supposed to pull me up, but you’re down here now.”

At this point the crappy knot Nic had put in the rope around the grate unwove, and the two men fell onto the floor.

Obama turned.

“What are you two doing, trying to steal my macaroni?”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet Obama and Kanye West, and yes, that happens.

“So you’re telling me that the Illuminati kidnapped your daughter because of a… prophecy in this… recipe for ice cream, and the rest of the prophecy, you need this recipe for macaroni and cheese.” Obama asked.

“Yes.” Liam Neeson said in a serious tone.

“That’s about it.” Nicholas Cage followed up with.

“Well, sure you can borrow it.” Obama said.

“What?!” Both men were shocked.

“Yeah, I don’t need it that much. I just took it out because I needed to make macaroni for my friend who’s visiting. And because it’s already out of the library, I can just say I wanted it a little longer.” Obama explained. “Just bring it back.” 

“Well.. thank you, Mr. President.” Liam said. 

“If I may ask, who’s coming over to dinner, Mr. President?” Cage asked Obama.

“Oh, my good friend Kanye West.” There was a pause, and then Obama said “You guys can join us, if you want to.”

Twenty minutes later, Nic and Liam were sitting at the table. Obama was at one end and Kanye was on the other.

“Man, Obama, it just blows my mind to know that you rule the entire country! Like, wow!” Kanye said. He didn’t seem to stop talking. “I mean, no one man should have alllllll dat POWWWAAAAH.”

Obama attempted to defend himself. “Well, I actually have a Cabinet, and two other houses to limit my powers. And beyond that, I need the people to vote on-”

“I MEAN NO ONE MAN SHOULD HAVE ALL DAT POWWWAAAAA, THA CLOCK’S TICKIN I JUST COUNT THE HOOOOOOWAAAAAASS, START TRIPPIN’ I’M TRIPPIN OFF THE POWWAAAA, THE-”

Obama turned to Cage and Neeson. “He does this.” Kanye stopped to breathe for a second and Obama cut in. “So what are your thoughts on what I’ve been actually doing, Kanye?”

“I dunno. E’rebudy’s been saying that I’m the abomination of Obama’s nation, and I said ‘That’s a pretty good rhyme, but that’s a pretty bad way to start a conversation like NO ONE MAN SHOULD HAVE ALLL DAT POWWWWWAAAAAH-’”

Obama turned to Liam Neeson and Nicholas Cage. “You guys can probably go now. I don’t think he’ll even notice you.”

“Thank you.” Liam said. He and Cage stepped out.

“Ok, seriously now.” Liam said as they started walking to the car. “What does it say?”

“Well, the first one said “LIAM’S NEESON’S DAUGHTER HAS BEEN TAKEN BY THE ILLUMINATI AND SHE’S BEING HELD AT,”” Cage said, recapping, “and the second one says, “OUR SECRET BASE IN THE ARCTIC OCEAN, NEAR RUSSIA…” and then there’s a lot of coordinates.” 

“So if we steal a boat…” Liam said.

“Let’s do it.” Cage finished.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We learn Kanye's secret and find the Illuminati's secret base.

Liam Neeson drove the boat that he and Cage had stolen in a hilarious side story that had taken a lot of text so I removed it.

“Thank god that the boatman had a spare tiger pelt!” Cage said.

“To be honest, I’m surprised he had one.” Liam said, shouting over the hum of the motor.

Cage checked the stolen GPS they had input the Illuminati had given them- 66.6 latitude, 66.6 longitude. 

Neeson pulled his stolen spyglass from his stolen trench coat, and peered through it. He could see an island shaped like a human skull. Jamming down the pedal, he sped ahead.

“We’re almost to the people who took my daughter.” Liam growled.

Beaching the boat on the shore, Liam and Nic hopped out.

“Is there anyone else here?” Nic asked.

“So.” a voice said. “You guys finally made it.”

It was Kanye West.

“Kanye!” Nic shouted. So it was you all along!”

“That’s right, Cage!” Kanye shouted.

“Why did you take my daughter, you son of a gun?!” Liam shouted.

“You two are the only two people who could stop me. I wanted to fight you both here, on my terms, on my island.” Kanye said. “That’s why I opened a much better ice cream shop than yours on the Illuminati’s money, to drive you out of business! And then you’d go to Liam for help just as he went to you for help, and then you’d both come here!” Kanye explained.

“But why? What are your goals and determinations?!” Nic shouted.

“We want to overthrow the president, because NO ONE MAN SHOULD HAVE ALL DAT POWWAAAAH.” Kanye shouted, visibly fighting the urge to start rapping again.

“But…” Nic started. “Were you listening to the president? He said that-”

“BRUH, I ONLY GOT TIME TO LISTEN TO TWO THINGS: SOVIET BRAINWASHING AND RAP: MINE.” Kanye shouted. “An’ if you’re looking to debate, start talkin’ my language.”

“Nic- he wants to fight us.” Liam said. “I’ll do it, I’m more skilled.”

“Alright, fine.” Nic said.

Liam took a stance to fight, and charged at Kanye. Swinging a fist at his head, he shouted. Kanye’s head absorbed the impact and Nic could hear Liam’s knuckles crack.

“Why are you so tough?!” Liam yelled, pulling his hand away.

“Soviet Cybernetics, SON!” Kanye shouted, pulling his fist up to block Liam’s kick. “They put them in me while I was vacationing to watch the Olympics!”

“Liam, we should have known!” Nic shouted. “Only a robot could put up with Kim Kardashian.” Nic reached into his pocket. “Catch!”

Sticking his hand up, Liam Neeson caught what Nicolas Cage had thrown: The butter knife. Not stopping for anything, Liam drove the butter knife into Kanye West’s cybernetic eye, and popped it out of the socket.

“You realize that won’t stop me, right?” Kanye yelled, his remaining eye scanning around the area at a much faster rate to make up for his lack of vision. “Da-da-dat that don’t kill me- can only make me STRONGER!” And he grabbed the butter knife and snapped it in two. Liam looked around for sticks or something he could jab into Kanye’s robot eye again, either to totally blind him or damage his one eye socket further.

“LIAM! NEESON! WE ARE FIGHTING A ROBOT! WHO RUNS ON ELECTRICITY! ON A BEACH!! NEXT TO WATER!!” Nic shouted. He then threw a pail of water on Kanye.

“nn-n-n-n-nnn-nn-noooo..” Kanye stuttered. “it ha-a-a-a-ad to be a beautiful de-de-de-de-ea-ea-ea-eath…”

“Well…” Liam said. “Not very climactic.”

Looking around the beach, Cage noticed a trapdoor. “There’s probably something in there, and what’s more, there only MIGHT be a murderous cyborg rapper in there.” 

“Might?” Liam asked. 

“Yeah, there only MIGHT be, versus the HUNDRED PERCENT LEGIT murderous cyborg out here.” Cage shouted, walking to the door. “Let’s go in.”

Entering and sliding down the ladder, the two men found themselves in what felt and looked like a freezer.

“What is this place?” asked Liam.

“The secret base of the illuminati.” said Ice Cube.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We learn of our villain.

“That’s right, Neeson and Cage. We were behind the Illuminati this whole time.” Ice Cube said. He was wearing a toga and a laurel, but he also had gold chains wrapped around his neck and wrists.

“Ice Cube! loved you in “Are We There Yet!”” Cage said.

“Wait.” Neeson said, holding his hand up dramatically. “Who’s this “we” you speak of?”

“All of the rappers with ice themed names. The Illuminati is ice themed itself- which is why we hid our prophecy in a recipe for ice cream. We invented it.” Ice Cube explained. “We’re all here- Ice T, Vanilla Ice, Iceberg Slim, and Coolio.” Ice Cube said, pointing out the other rappers who also had the toga/chains combo.

“Is Tupac here?” asked Cage. “Because I heard-” 

“TUPAC IS DEAD, OK.” all the rappers shouted in unison. 

“What about Kanye?” Nic asked. “He’s not ice themed.”

“His lack of an ice name allows him to go undercover, totally unseen, completely unnoticed and totally invisible.” Vanilla Ice said. His toga was actually just an American flag.

“Unnoticed?” Cage asked incredulously.

“Assuming his reprograming worked properly, he should be quiet, selfless and almost unknown.” Ice T said.

“It’s the same reason we use DMX, one of our first cyborgs. His reports always list him as polite, demure and kind.” Coolio said.

“POLITE?” 

“Enough of this.” Liam Neeson said. “Where is my daughter?!” he shouted, holding his half of a butter knife threateningly. 

“Yooooooo, calm down.” said a new voice. “It’s all coooooo.”

Ice T turned. “Snoop Dogg! We thought we told you to not come around here anymore!”

“Aww man, why?” Snoop asked.

“You still use your gangster voice. Everyone in here uses their proper, romanesque voice. And you just put your toga on OVER your hoodie, sweats and shoes! And laurels do NOT belong on RASTA CAPS!”

“Maaaaaan that ain’t no fun.”

Liam was starting to get tired. “Where is my daughter, you sarcastic ice-themed rhythm poets?!”

“I HAVE HER, LIAM!!” shouted yet another voice. 

“Oh dear.” said Vanilla Ice. “You’ve awoken the beast, Neeson…”

“What’s happening?” Cage asked.

The rappers were all silent. And then, in unison, they raised their arms and spoke as one:

“PUTIN.”

And the floor cracked, and exploded open, flinging flames everywhere. Out of the hole in the floor rose the man leading Russia- Vladamir Putin.

“I SEE YOU’VE COME FOR ME, COME TO STOP ME.” he said in a booming voice. “YOU CAN TRY.” 

The flames behind him caught onto his suit, and his suit began burning. The rappers began shying away from the burning world leader as his suit jacket began burning away, revealing a torso rippling with muscles.

“Are you ready to FACE ME, Neeson?!” Putin yelled.

Neeson raised his fists, but Cage stopped him. “You fought Kanye, Liam.” He removed his jacket. “I’ll take this one.” Dropping his coat on the floor, he chuckled to himself.

“It’s going to be a CAGE match!”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get into a Cage match.

Cage stared at Putin. Putin stared back. “Well, then, come on!” Putin yelled.

Cage swung his fist at Putin, who took it on the chin. His entire chin had seemed to turn to metal. Taking a few more swings, Cage soon had bruised his knuckles to the point where he could hit no more. He tried kicking Putin’s torso, but that hardened to metal as well. Liam was watching- his skin hardened up into what looked like steel an instant before a fist could make contact with it.

“What?! HOW ARE YOU SO TOUGH!!?” Cage yelled.

“NANOMACHINES, SON!!” Putin growled back, his Russian accent displaying itself. “THEY HARDEN IN RESPONSE TO PHYSICAL CONTACT.”

“LIAM! GET THE BUCKET!”

“THEY’RE WATERPROOF TOO, AMERICAN!!” Putin yelled, laughing. Putin grabbed Cage by the throat and leapt out the trapdoor. Liam turned to the circle of rappers.

“here, yo.” Said Snoop. “Take this on yo quest.” and he threw a small box at Liam, who then opened it.

“A butter knife?”

“yeee.” Snoop said, nodding. “there’s somethin else in they, yo.”

“You gave me a sponge?!” asked Neeson. “How is that supposed to help me?”

“yo, you gon’ seeee.”

Liam shook his head and started hauling out of the trapdoor, where he could see Cage trying to hit Putin with a stick. “WHY WON’T YOU DIE!!!” Cage shouted. 

“NANOMACHINES, SO-”

“I KNOW!!”

Liam cast around for something he could use the sponge on. The sea? Maybe he could sponge Putin to death with seawater. He saw Cage take an iron fist on the chin and fly backwards. Liam began to worry. He knew his friend couldn’t survive many hits from Putin. Suddenly, he looked behind the two and saw what he could sponge. Running into the fight, he shoved Cage away. “Take this!!” he shouted, and threw the sponge at him. “Save Kanye- he’s our only hope!”

Cage took the sponge and ran through the sand, sliding to Kanye and began sponging the seawater off of him. Kanye’s remaining eye began whirring to life, staring around at the scenario.

“Wh-wh-hhhh-at happened?” He asked, still stuttering.

“If you save Liam from Putin, I’ll save you.”

Kanye’s eye flashed red, then glared bright blue. “DEAL.” he said in an eerie, echoing voice.

The cyborg leapt up, his servos growling and whirring as he pushed himself off the sand and leapt at Putin. Cage realized that not only were the machine parts growling, but the man himself was growling with determination and anger. The water thrown on him had clearly jolted him out of his soviet reprogramming.

“And the deal I made with him… just seal the deal.” Cage punned.

Putin made a swing at Liam, who was not doing well. However, before his fist could connect, Kanye slid in front of him, kicking up sand and absorbing the blow with a heavy CLANG.

“KANYE!!” Putin yelled. “I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON MY SIDE. YOU AREN’T A HERO.”

“I am now, Putin.” Kanye said, pushing Liam Neeson back slightly. “I’ve been changing sides a lot recently- America, Britain, Russia, I’ve been wrong. I know what side I fight for now- MY SIDE.” he shouted vehemently.

“But what if you’re wrong again?!” Putin yelled back.

“I know I got to be right NOW, because I can’t get much WRONGER.”


	8. Chapter 8

Kanye West stared down Putin as Liam Neeson and Nicolas Cage stared at the two.

“YOU’RE FORGETTING ONE THING, KANYE.” Putin said. “NANOMACHINES ARE STRONGER THAN CYBERNETICS BY A LARGE DEGREE.” To prove his point, he swung his fist at Kanye, who caught it. However, there was a sickening crunch, and Liam could see Kanye’s false, rubber skin split open, revealing a metallic interior. And as Putin put on more power, he could hear the interior begin to strain as smoke poured out of it. Putin pushed as hard as he could and the metal inside Kanye’s arm cracked as a snap could be heard inside it. Kanye flew backwards, unable to hold the Russian machine back any longer.

“EVERYONE IN RUSSIA LOVES ME, WEST.” Putin shouted as he stepped towards Kanye. “ALL OF THE EAST IS BEHIND ME.” he yelled even louder as he reached Kanye’s body. “IN FACT, I’D SAY THAT THE EAST IS ABOUT TO DEFEAT…” he paused to comedic timing.. “..THE WEST.”

He raised his arms to perform a Russian Elbow drop, but he was interrupted by what sounded like a sonic boom overhead. All 4 looked up to see a fleet of planes, the leader of which had an American Flag tied to its tail. The bay doors of the lead one opened and dropped what looked like a tiny bomb out. Putin laughed. 

“I CAN CATCH WHATEVER YOU THROW AT ME, OBAMA!” he shouted at the bomb. “MY BODY PUTS OUT WHAT WE CALL A FORTUNE FIELD- ALL BOMBS, GRENADES AND BULLETS WILL FAIL, MISFIRE, AND IF THEY MANAGE TO LEAVE THE GUN, RICOCHET AWAY FROM MY BODY.” He laughed. “THE ONLY THING THAT IS PERMITTED IS HUMANS, AND THERE ISN’T A HUMAN I CAN’T DEFEAT.”

The bomb was nearing Putin. The metal sides split off, revealing a tiny capsule. Just before it could have hit, the capsule open, and whatever was inside hit Putin with full force. Despite his fortune field, there was still an explosion. Cage hoped that it might have killed him.

The smoke cleared. A human shape was visible through it. Cage’s heart sank. But as the smoke and sand settled more and more, Cage realized it couldn’t be Putin- it was a black man.

Putin rose up from the sand at the black man’s feet, ready to face him. But as he raised his hands, he stepped back once he saw the man’s face.

Kanye, Neeson, Cage and Putin all reacted at the same time, shouting the man’s name.

“OBAMA?!?!” 

“That’s right.” Obama said back, cooly. “It’s me.”

“You fool…” Putin said. “Even if you have cybernetics like Kanye, you’ll still fall to me.” And he leapt at Obama, doing a spin kick as he shouted in Russian.

However, the leg connected to Obama’s face. He turned silver an instant before, just like Putin did.

“OBAMA!!” Putin yelled, his eyes glowing red with anger. “WHEN DID YOU AMERICANS INVENT NANOMACHINES?!?!”

“Just now.” Obama said. “I knew, as every president does, of the ice cream prophecy.” he removed his blazer so he was just in his nice shirt and tie. “And I knew that I would be the one who had to deal with it.” Taking off his tie, he said, “And I know that the Russians have had nanomachines for years.” Removing his shirt so he was in pants and shoes like Putin, he followed up with: “And I’ve known to make them for a while. I just haven’t known HOW to use them.” Taking a stance across from Putin, he finished with: “And having seen you use them, I know how to use it too. Keep them racing around your insides, running through your blood, and then have them rise to the surface and form a shield against damage just before something can hit.”

“Smart, Obama. Very intelligent.” Putin hissed. “But that only means we’re evenly matched.” 

“Wrong.” Obama said, to Putin’s surprise. “I have less nanomachines than you do. There’s only so much protection that the nanomachines can provide, and I have just enough to provide maximum power. But you have overloaded your body with them, to the point where it’s slowing you down. your speed is just about a human’s level. But mine is much higher.”

“How much higher, Obama?” Putin growled, growing tired of Obama’s exposition. 

“Well…” Obama began. However, he then blurred like a film filter was just put over him. In that same instant, Putin fell to the floor, howling in pain as a bruise was already forming on his chest. “That fast.”

“HOW ARE YOU SO-” Putin paused to cough- “-FAST, AMERICAN?!!?!”

Obama smiled. “Nanomachines, SON.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final battle.

Obama’s fist rippled with metal as the nanomachines below it prepared for battle.

“Well, Obama…” Putin hissed. The nanomachines in his skin were trying to repair the damage, but they were only able to fix it slowly. They were made to block, not recover. “It seems you have me. My nanomachines aren’t fast enough for bullets, but the Fortune Field prevents that. However, you’ve tricked it with your nanomachines. So I would admit defeat, but…” and he turned to Kanye.

Cage briefly remembered how earlier today, he had been worrying about his failing ice cream shop.

Putin stepped at Kanye and shouted “KANYE WEST, ARE YOU UP TO THE KANYE TEST?”

Kanye stood as his eye glowed red. Putin continued. “SATISFY YOUR KANYE QUEST.” Kanye took a fighting stance as Putin finished with: “BE BETTER THAN ALL THE KANYE REST. BE THE KANYE BEST.”

Kanye flew at Obama, the false rubber skin on his arm flying off. Obama dodged Kanye’s swing, looking at his robotic arm. “Kanye! What are you doing?!”

“That rhyme is what we used to brainwash him, OBAMA!! HA HA HA HA HA!!” Putin yelled. “AND NOW, HE’S OUR PUPPET AGAIN.”

“PUTIN, YOU FOOL!” Obama shouted. “I’M NOT GOING TO FIGHT MY FRIEND!!” And then he remembered. “And thanks to my nanomachines, I don’t have to! I’ll absorb all his hits without any issue.

“I know.” Putin chuckled. “That’s the plan.”

Kanye got a hit on Obama, but as he had said, he absorbed the blow without any issue thanks to his nanomachines. But Kanye’s robotic arm began smoking again as the crack in it widened. A second hit tore the false skin off of his other arm. Kanye jumped back and pulled the rubber off, leaving him in his ripped hoodie with two metal arms. Both arms were now cracked.

“...No…” Obama whispered.

“THAT’S RIGHT, OBAMA!!” Putin yelled. “He’s going to tear himself apart trying to kill you.

Suddenly, Liam Neeson remembered he was in this story. “Cage, the bucket!”

“Of course!” shouted Nic. 

Cage and Neeson leapt up, and ran to the bucket. Nic ran and filled it with water, and then passed it to Liam, who ran it back to Kanye. Obama had caught Kanye’s fists in his hands after a punch and was trying to hold him back. But Obama was simply too strong, and was beginning to crush Kanye’s hands. Liam poured the water over Kanye, who froze up. Obama released his hands. But then, Kanye began attacking again, swinging his fists. Obama had no time to react and his nanomachines rose up to absorb the blows again, until Kanye’s right fist cracked down the middle as his left arm snapped, giving him a very broken look. Obama leapt back.

“THAT THAT THAT THAT DON’T. KILL ME. CAN ONLY MAKE ME. STRONGER.” He said, his eye glowing black now.

“Liam, what do we do?” Nic asked. “Kanye’s going to rip himself apart!!”

Liam started panicking. Suddenly, he had a thought. “Obama! Catch!” he said, tossing the butter knife. “KNOCK HIM OUT!!” 

Obama had a better plan. He deflected the knife off his hand, sending the sharp side at Kanye. It flew straight at his forehead, cutting a chunk of rubber and revealing a metal skull below it. However, it didn’t end there- the knife ricocheted further, and hit Putin directly in the forehead, blade away. Obama leapt over the sand and caught the butter knife in his hand and threw it again, bouncing it off of Putin’s head. He essentially began dribbling it at this point, sending the metal bouncing off of Putin’s head over and over again as he fell. Just before he made contact with Putin, his limbs and body flew into a pose, so he was upside down. He caught the stunned Putin in his arms and kicked, flipping himself right side up and suplexing Putin into the sand.

Obama stepped back. “It looks like Putin was just…” he paused for comedic effect- “Put DOWN.”

Kanye’s eye turned from black to red, and then it went dark as he hit the sand. Obama picked him up and began carrying him. Kanye hissed to life just a bit, and struggled out of Obama’s arms. 

“W-w-wait, Obama. I was a machine made to destroy you, but I can use my technology on Putin.”

“You aren’t going to kill him, right?” Asked Cage. Neeson just remembered why he had come here and bolted down the trapdoor to get his daughter.

“Naw.” Kanye said. “I’m going to take his nanomachines.” And a small needle popped out from his pointer finger. He pushed the needle into Putin’s shoulder and the nanomachines began draining from his body into Kanye. “Nanomachines plus cyborg will probably mean that I’ll be slow, but able to heal and be tougher than Putin.”

Cage nodded.

“Well, if Putin’s no longer an issue..” Obama began, “I can arrange for pick up right here on this beach.” And he began radioing for assistance just as Liam Neeson and his daughter came out of the trapdoor.

“Everyone…” Liam said… “Let’s go home.”


	10. The Final Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The epilogue.

A week later, Obama and his new vice president/bodyguard/personal rapper/personal yeezus were running the nation and giving everyone free healthcare. Liam Neeson, his daughter and Nicholas Cage were all working in his ice cream shop.

But Putin was not dead.

Deep in the illuminati’s secret base, Putin kneeled at the throne of his lord.

“My liege…” he whispered. “I have failed you.”

“How DAAAAARE you speak in such a way to our dark lord, Putin?” Yelled Nicki Minaj. “I SHOULD HAVE YOU FED TO SNAKES!!”

“Silence, Nicki.” said a man in shadows, sitting on a throne. “What Obama doesn’t know is that both he and Putin have prototype nanomachines. And the true nanomachines are in my body.” said the Dark Lord.

“Well, then…” Nicki said.

“My lord… will you come out of the shadows?” Putin asked.

“Yes.” The man stood, and walked almost into the light. His face was hidden, but he was wearing jeans, a gold chain around his neck, and a hooded robe. The robe’s hood looked like a snake, and with the robe’s length the man almost looked like a snake rearing up to attack. “I will return. But I only ask...”

“What is it, my lord?” Nicki Minaj and Putin asked together.

“Do not call me the dark lord anymore. I do not feel like I am a lord… I still feel like my old self.” he said. “I still feel like I did when I was just a Knight. So please, call me by the name of the Knight.”

“You want us to call you sir?” The two acolytes asked. 

“Yes. Call me by what the world once knew me as!!” he shouted. “CALL ME…. SIR MIX-A-LOT!!”

Both bowed to Sir Mixalot and then they left. Sir Mixalot turned back to his throne.

“My anaconda will rise again.”


End file.
